I remember reading an earlier draft of this, and I didn't want to comment until I'd given it yet another reading. I like the structure of the timeline, I think it reads not entirely linearly but cyclically. From what I'm interpreting (and this might be completely wrong), is that Tom feels his life was always going to turn out this way, like he can’t escape the inevitability of it all. This is the reason for his outbursts. Like the cycle of alcholism from his parents will always end in his (self) destruction. For me, seeing his own body and falling into it at the end is a metaphor for taking control.
Somebody is going to do it for you if you don't do it yourself. It's a way of making sense of the random acts of violence and fear.
The ending seems quite hopeful. He finally opens his eyes so he can see where he's come from.
Again, I might be misunderstanding some things. I'll give it another read and reassess.
I'm glad to see you posting again, it gives me a bit of a kick up the arse to actually finish something.
You asked elsewhere why I’m not writing fiction … it’s because I can’t do this, what you’ve done here. Fantastic. Grabs me by the throat and says “Pay attention.” And I get to the end and I’m not quite sure what’s happened, but it’s good. Glad to hear your voice, Kris.
Kris, this is really excellent writing. I have read a version or two of this story. An earlier one seemed to lean more towards two separate lives, while this one hones in on the out of body experience--both I find fascinating subject matter.
In this version, your scenes have really come alive; you have a knack for delivering vivid visuals.
A few of my favorites:
-"Tom fell from the sky like a man whose parachute had failed." (Note: I've seen this! It haunts me! I never found what happened to the parachuter, but I saw him tumbling/twisting down and I always wondered what happened and wanted to use in a story)
-"Two snorers on opposite ends of the ward exchanged animalistic grunts like tennis opponents." - Great sounds! Competitive snoring, I've heard this lol.
"the marble-like eyes of an inbred goat," - just great!
"Eva had once drawn the attention of the class to a wet patch on Tom’s crotch after he returned from the water fountain" - great show of history between two characters, I immediately saw the connection and loved how it led to this line: "So he dropped to one knee, fiddled with a shoelace, watched the couple cross to the island."
"his father had told him to always stand near the back of the platform when waiting for a train, so that no one could run up from behind and shove you onto the tracks." - love the specificity, and one of those thoughts that I think many people worry about!
"He picked up a pebble, moved it between his fingers, it was smooth. There was nothing to stop him launching it at those two bodybuilders " - this one really sets the course of the story for me. It's a moment where the narrator is deciding what to do. The pebble triggers in me the image of a pond, the rings that come out if you throw it and it lands in one place. How the rings would be on a different course if you'd thrown it at another place. I think that's what's at the heart of this story. Someone trying to make a decision, unhappy with their parents'/where they've come from, living with regrets or guilt from the couple that got hit when he dipped down to tie his shoelace.
This line, "Went back in, unpacked the clothes, closed the curtains, got into bed and stayed there until all the birds had migrated back from their winter holidays."
Was this very much time? Was it months? I took it as months and depression.
I found myself wondering a little which timeline we were on. I took some of it to be in his past and some of it to be in the present. I wondered did he jump twice? At the end, I love how he looks down and sees his 40 year old self.
All in all I'm intrigued. Keep up the fantastic work and I always look forward to reading more from you.
I remember reading an earlier draft of this, and I didn't want to comment until I'd given it yet another reading. I like the structure of the timeline, I think it reads not entirely linearly but cyclically. From what I'm interpreting (and this might be completely wrong), is that Tom feels his life was always going to turn out this way, like he can’t escape the inevitability of it all. This is the reason for his outbursts. Like the cycle of alcholism from his parents will always end in his (self) destruction. For me, seeing his own body and falling into it at the end is a metaphor for taking control.
Somebody is going to do it for you if you don't do it yourself. It's a way of making sense of the random acts of violence and fear.
The ending seems quite hopeful. He finally opens his eyes so he can see where he's come from.
Again, I might be misunderstanding some things. I'll give it another read and reassess.
I'm glad to see you posting again, it gives me a bit of a kick up the arse to actually finish something.
You asked elsewhere why I’m not writing fiction … it’s because I can’t do this, what you’ve done here. Fantastic. Grabs me by the throat and says “Pay attention.” And I get to the end and I’m not quite sure what’s happened, but it’s good. Glad to hear your voice, Kris.
Kris, this is really excellent writing. I have read a version or two of this story. An earlier one seemed to lean more towards two separate lives, while this one hones in on the out of body experience--both I find fascinating subject matter.
In this version, your scenes have really come alive; you have a knack for delivering vivid visuals.
A few of my favorites:
-"Tom fell from the sky like a man whose parachute had failed." (Note: I've seen this! It haunts me! I never found what happened to the parachuter, but I saw him tumbling/twisting down and I always wondered what happened and wanted to use in a story)
-"Two snorers on opposite ends of the ward exchanged animalistic grunts like tennis opponents." - Great sounds! Competitive snoring, I've heard this lol.
"the marble-like eyes of an inbred goat," - just great!
"Eva had once drawn the attention of the class to a wet patch on Tom’s crotch after he returned from the water fountain" - great show of history between two characters, I immediately saw the connection and loved how it led to this line: "So he dropped to one knee, fiddled with a shoelace, watched the couple cross to the island."
"his father had told him to always stand near the back of the platform when waiting for a train, so that no one could run up from behind and shove you onto the tracks." - love the specificity, and one of those thoughts that I think many people worry about!
"He picked up a pebble, moved it between his fingers, it was smooth. There was nothing to stop him launching it at those two bodybuilders " - this one really sets the course of the story for me. It's a moment where the narrator is deciding what to do. The pebble triggers in me the image of a pond, the rings that come out if you throw it and it lands in one place. How the rings would be on a different course if you'd thrown it at another place. I think that's what's at the heart of this story. Someone trying to make a decision, unhappy with their parents'/where they've come from, living with regrets or guilt from the couple that got hit when he dipped down to tie his shoelace.
This line, "Went back in, unpacked the clothes, closed the curtains, got into bed and stayed there until all the birds had migrated back from their winter holidays."
Was this very much time? Was it months? I took it as months and depression.
I found myself wondering a little which timeline we were on. I took some of it to be in his past and some of it to be in the present. I wondered did he jump twice? At the end, I love how he looks down and sees his 40 year old self.
All in all I'm intrigued. Keep up the fantastic work and I always look forward to reading more from you.